Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Autumn had come and gone, and the ghostly chill of December had taken its toll on Jessamina. Instead of using the months following the last encounter with James to get over him, she used it trying to get over a horrible case of influenza. For weeks she was bedridden, unable to move a single muscle without spasms of pain shooting out across her entire body. She was more alone than she ever had been before, even in the weeks immediately after her father’s death. Mr. Shelby was the only person that she allowed to be in the room with her, and that was only because he was mute, and would therefore not give her a headache with incessant chitchat. Mr. Shelby would give her a dose of medication, some hot tea, and then be on his way again, without ever asking her how she was feeling, or when James was going to call again, or whether she missed him.

The truth was that she did miss him. Terribly, in fact. She found herself waking from restless dreams, delirious that James was downstairs, waiting for her. She knew of course that it wasn’t possible, nor did she want him to come back, and yet she found herself wondering why she pushed away the only person left who loved her for who she was. Even when she was little, she could sense that her mother wanted a son. Her mother loved her simply because she was her daughter and she had to. Her father had loved her, and was murdered because he was trying to protect her from a society overrun by criminals. And Edmund had loved her once... but that love was gone now. The only one left was James. James, who could have any woman in the world and chose her because she was different. He chose her because she wasn’t a mindless, spineless girl like Alexis Dubose. She was graceful and elegant, and he was the only one who had made her feel like that in years.

But, as her mother used to say, “what’s done is done.” She knew that in order to complete her mission, sacrifices would have to be made. And if this heartbreak had strengthened anything, it had strengthened her want for revenge. Nothing in the world meant more now, because she had driven any other desires away. Any hours in bed in which she found enough strong enough to sit up, she read her father’s leather bound notebook, searching for details she may have overlooked.

And then, the answer to all her questions had been found. “Collects interesting weaponry and machinery. Greatest hobby.” She had been staring at it the whole time, and never fully comprehended what it meant.

After weeks of planning, she thought she finally may have figured out a plan. She could disguise herself as a man and says she was a weapon’s dealer, interested in selling something to Mr. Blackhorne. The weapon in question would be the steam-inoculator, and the poison would be the very one he wanted in the first place. He would be so intrigued as to who else could have invented this technology that he would have to let her in. After obtaining access, she would give a presentation on the weapon, allowing him to come closer for a better look. Once he got close enough, she would strike, injecting him with the poison, and thus ending the life of the one man who had been on her mind for months.

She would finally have the peace she wanted. After this murder, she would be through. This was the most important piece to the puzzle, and her father would understand if she decided not to cause any more deaths. She told herself that it was because she needed to lay low for a while. A death as monumental as Mr. Blackhorne’s would cause suspicion, and she couldn’t afford being caught.

But she knew the real reason was that she was tired of having to lead these two separate lives. Her time with James reminded her of how desperately she wanted to lead a mundane life again. If she hadn’t been so keen on this revenge in the first place, she may have had a true shot at happiness.

As soon as the world started running smoothly again, as soon as Jessamina had finally become healthy enough to execute her plans, she started them. She knew that Marian had a boy at home who, although many years younger than her was already her height. She stole some of his clothes from a basket of clothing that Marian had brought with her to mend. She knew she would have to forego the cameo brooch since she was dressed as a man, but she still had the knife strapped to her leg for safety. Shoes were a more complicated matter. The only shoes she could find were her father’s old ones, but they were meant for much bigger feet. She stuffed them with newspaper, but even then she found them hard to walk in. She decided to walk with an exaggerated limp, making her awkward walking seem more like a joint problem than a shoe problem.

Finally, she tucked her hair inside one of Marion’s son’s caps, and smudged coal from the fireplace on her face. She admired herself in the mirror. The work wasn’t remarkable, but she decided she was passable enough as a young messenger boy.
She hailed a cab to take her to Mr. Blackhorne’s mansion, and rapped heartily on the front door. A servant answered.

“I have a message for a Mr. Vincent Blackhorne, sir,” Jessamina said in the manliest voice she she could muster. “Regarding a highly interesting weapon he may be interested in purchasing.”
If the servant noticed something peculiar about the young messenger’s mode of dress or speech, he showed no signs of it. “Go on.”
“My master, sir, has recently acquired what he likes to call a steam-inoculator, sir. A very fine specimen, indeed. This weapon can inject a victim with any sort of fluid without leaving a trace. And what’s more, this steam-inoculator comes with a highly rare poison, sir. From the jungles of the Amazon, sir. It’s completely untraceable, and there’s nothing else like it in the entire world. My master is willing to sell this rare and exotic weaponry to Mr. Blackhorne for only five thousand pounds.”
“Five thousand pounds? That’s a bargain! And why is your master willing to sell it for such a low price?”
“Well, it’s rather dangerous, sir, and he’d rather not get caught with it in his belonging, if you know what I mean.”
“I see.”
“For that very reason, my master wants me to deliver the weapon to Mr. Blackhorne in person, to make sure it gets delivered to the proper hands.”
“Understandable.”
“So, if Mr. Blackhorne decides he wants to make this purchase, he need only send a date and time to this address.” At this point, Jessamina riskily gave the servant the address of Edmund’s flat, and went on his way.

Later, after cleaning herself up, she went to her father’s office to speak to Edmund.
“I’m expecting a letter from the Blackhorne residence to be sent to your address within the coming days. When you see it, can you give it to expressly to me?”
“Of course.” Edmund said, without any hesitation.
“You’re not even going to ask me why I’m asking you to do this?”
“I’m sure you have a very good reason, Jessamina. If you needed to tell me, you would tell me.”

And a few days later, she did receive a letter from the Blackhorne residence; just not the one she had hoped. Instead of Edmund handing Jessamina a note of interest in her weapon, her mother handed her an invitation to one of their famed Christmas Balls.

“But, Mother, can’t we go to someone else’s party?” Jessamina protested when her mother showed up to her room with the invitation.
“Absolutely not! This may be your only chance at winning Mr. Blackhorne back. We still have no idea why he stopped courting you so suddenly.”
“He probably found someone else. That’s what typically happens with eligible young bachelors like him; they move on to something better.”
“Nonsense, dear! We shall go to this party and you’ll dance with him.”
“And if even after all that, he chooses not to court me again? Will you promise not to make me attend any more events at the Blackhorne residence?”
“I promise. Now, we’ll have to make a new dress for you to wear. Oh, I know! How about a midnight blue velvet with silver trim! That’ll be certain to make him notice you!”

As just as soon as it had left, the hole in the pit of her stomach returned. She’d have to face him again, and all of her old feelings would come flooding back as soon as she gazed into his eyes again.

The days dragged slowly by, as she wanted to get the whole ordeal over with as soon as possible.

Once she entered the ballroom, she made it her mission to avoid seeing James for as long as possible. If she could just have the very last dance of the evening with him, then she could leave immediately afterward.

Of course that plan didn’t last very long either. The moment she tried to hide herself amongst the many poinsettias strung about the room, she collided with something hard and most definitely alive.

“Jessamina? You came!” He looked actually happy to see her.
“Yes, I did. Thank you so much for inviting my family here tonight. Happy Christmas.”
“Happy Christmas to you, too! My goodness, I still can’t believe that you’re actually here.”
“Should I not have come?”
“Of course you should have! Jessamina, there’s no one I’d rather have here tonight with me. You know that.”
“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true.”
“What do you mean?”
“Perhaps previously, but...I’m certain there’s some other young lady here who has captured your fancy by now.”
“Someone else? Someone other than you take my heart? Jessamina, never! There’s no one else for me but you. I’ve resigned myself to that fate. But I’m happy to have just experienced love at all. I’m just glad you’re not cross with me for inviting you here.”
“I could never be cross with you, James.”
“So we’re still friends?”
“Absolutely.”

He smiled at her. “Say, care to dance with me?”
“I’d be absolutely delighted.”

************************************************

“Father? What is love?” Jessamina asked.
“What makes you ask that?” Mr. Delaney said.
“No reason. Just always wanted to know, I suppose.”

Jessamina is eleven years old, and even after watching Edmund work in her father’s office for only a week, she feels that she could very well be in love with him.

“Well, my little flower, love is... very difficult to describe. It just is what it is.”
“Well, that’s not helpful at all.” She started to leave.
“No, wait, dear! Don’t be so impatient. Let me think for a moment of an example. I’ve got it. You know what the color blue is, right?”
“Of course I do.”
“And the color purple, and orange, and yellow.”
“Yes.”
“You see those colors all around you everyday. You’re very familiar with them.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Good. Now, how would explain the color yellow to a blind child.”
“I’d say it’s the color of daffodils.”
“Ah yes, but she’s never seen a daffodil before, has she? She’s never seen anything before.”
“Then yellow is.. oh. I see.”
“Colors can only defined by things around us. Just like love. Love is an emotion, an incredibly powerful emotion, and when you experience it for the first time, then you’ll know what it is. Everything will start to make sense. You’ll see and hear things differently than you used to, because you’ll be aware that love is all around you.”

“Is that really what love is father?”
“Yes, Jessamina. It really is.”

Then Jessamina knew that what she felt for Edmund was really love. For every time she was near him, she felt incredibly alive and alert.

And for the next three years, she kept this love a secret from Edmund, thinking that the older boy would probably find her rude and annoying if she lingered around his workstation. Little did she know that Edmund possessed the exact same feelings for her as she did for him.

When Jessamina was fourteen years old, she entered the back room of the shop looking for her father, finding a startled Edmund instead.
“Have you seen my father?” she asked.
“No, Miss Jessamina. I mean, yes. He went out to get a few more supplies. But that was two hours ago, he should be back any minute.”
“Yes, well, thank you. And Edmund?”
“Yes, Miss Jessamina?”
“You don’t have to call me ‘miss,’ you know.”

He stared at her with his mouth wide open.
“Well, then what should I call you?” he stammered.
“Anything you like, silly! Only you mustn't be so formal. We’ve known each other for three years now, haven’t we? There’s no need for any of that ‘mister’ or ‘miss’ nonsense between us.”
“Can I call you ‘Jessa’ then? ‘Jessamina’ just takes so long to say, and I always get so nervous when I’m around you that I feel I run out of breath when I to speak to you.”
“‘Jessa’ you said?”
“Yes. Unless you don’t like the name ‘Jessa’.”
“Well, I like it when you say it.” They both blushed at this awkward moment between them. It was the first time they had ever been alone together for more that five minutes, and both of them were very aware of it.
“Edmund? Can I ask you something?”
“Of course! Anything.”
“And will you promise to answer it honestly?”
“Jessa, I would never lie to you.”

She paused for a few moments, trying to think how she should best phrase her question.
“Why do you get nervous when you’re around me?” she whispered.
“I don’t think I can say--”
“You promised! You have to tell me!” she reminded him.
“It’s because... I think I quite fancy you, Jessa.”
“Do you really?”
“Yes, for ages! For one thing, you may be younger than me, and yet you’re far smarter than any girl I’ve ever met. You have a beautiful smile, and your laugh reminds me of the wind-chimes back home in Glasren. Not to mention, you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Even when I first met you, that day at supper--”
“I was so mean to you that day--”
“Yes, but even then, even despite those things you said about me, I couldn’t care less. From the moment I first laid eyes on you I loved you.” His eyes widened in horror at his outburst. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You’re my employer’s daughter--”
“Edmund, don’t! I love you, too.”
“Really?”
“Honestly and truly.”

**********************************************
James and Jessamina danced, and it was as if no time had passed between them at all. They fell into their old familiar habits of commenting on the other dancers around them. Afterwards, they talked for hours about nothing and yet everything all at once.

“Jessamina? May I talk to you privately, for a moment?” James asked.
“Yes, of course.” He led her to the upper balcony, the very same spot where they had met earlier that year. Snow started to fall in quiet little flakes around them. “What is it, James?”
“You. It’s you! I’m sorry, I thought I would be able be content with us here as friends, but I don’t think I can. I’m a horrible liar. My heart hurts too much for me to pretend that my feelings for you are anything other than what they truly are. I love you, Jessamina. And I need to know if you really think there is no hope for us as a couple. If you say there isn’t, then I promise to never ask you here again, as a friend or otherwise. But if you think that you could one day love me as I love you, then tell me at once!”

And for the first time, Jessamina didn’t even feel guilty that she should feel this way about James. She knew that she was i love, and that her father would be happy that she had found someone who brightened her life. Love outweighs hate by all measures, and her love for James far outweighed any hate for his father. She loved him as she never would love again, of this she was sure.

“It’s isn’t a matter of whether or not I will love you in the future, James. For I am already in love with you now! I have been for ages, and I was just too scared of what I felt to tell the truth. I thought that after my father died I wouldn’t be able to love again. I thought my heart had been lost forever. But you’ve made me find it again, James, and for that I will always be grateful.”

“Do you really mean it, Jessamina? Do you really love me?”
“Yes! Of course I do!”

James leaned in and kissed her, and once again, Jessamina felt as though nothing else in the whole entire world could possibly matter. The winter air may have been frost and cold, but she had all she would ever need to keep her warm. James. James, James, James: with his devilish grin, and his charming laugh and sparkling blue eyes. James, who even after she had rejected him, still loved her.

They stood there in each other’s arms, completely lost in their own little world of that upper balcony. The snow started to accumulate, carpeting the trees with a soft, velvety snowfall. They broke apart, giggling at the amount of snow their clothing had collected.

“People will start to wonder what we’ve been doing out here.” Jessamina teased. “The gossip inside must be frightening.”
“Let those old crones gossip all they want! I don’t care one bit! Soon they won’t have anything to gossip about.”
“What do you mean?”

James kneeled in front of Jessamina and took her hand. “Let’s never be apart again. I can’t spend another day without you. I know that I don’t have a ring with me right now, but I was going to propose with my mother’s old engagement ring, and I can have it ready for you tomorrow, if you’d like.”
“James!”
“Jessamina Delaney, will you marry me and make me the happiest man i the entire world?”
“Of course!”
“You’ll marry me?”
“Yes!”
“But I want to hear you say it!”
Jessamina laughed. “James Blackhorne, I will marry you and love you until the day I die!” she shouted with glee.

James kissed her again, this time with such fervor that Jessamina almost thought she’d be knocked off her feet. He took her hand, and led her back inside.

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” he shouted to the entire ballroom. “I have an announcement to make! Miss Jessamina Delaney and I are now engaged to be married!”

There were cheers and claps from everyone in attendance, with an extra shriek of excitement from her mother.

Jessamina had never been happier in her entire life.